Waking up in the morning is such a daunting task at the forefront of the day. From the folk like me who go to bed late and get less than 6-7 hours to the Rumpelstilkins of the world, who need 10 hours or more, we have basic commonality….ALARM CLOCKS! These little time devices have tranformed from the traditional corded, clock-face, battery operated double-belled stand alones to digital electronics, i-products, cell phones, snooze buttons and all types of bell and whistles.
But there’s one problem……
WE CAN’T SEEM TO WAKE THE HELL UP ON TIME!!!
I mean, think about it….who can really wake up energized when today’s alarm clocks sound like doorbells, chirping birds, tropical rain forests and the opening theme music from the movie, Trading Places? It’s no wonder why we wake up in a slow motion, zombie-like fashion in need of a cup of coffee or energy drink. Technology is ever-changing, but I think the assitance in rising from an exhaustive slumber or a drunken stupor requires innovation. Let’s scale back on the machines and use the most powerful and natural sound tha moves the physical and mental person…..THE HUMAN VOICE. Not just any voice, but the ones who have a vocal authority that can drown out thunder. Let’s delve into a few voices which would make the perfect HUMAN ALARM CLOCK.
The 1st voice on the list to wake just about anybody is BUSTA RHYMES! This dude, when amped up or even when he’s whispering, has a voice that could shatter the bones of a wild boar. If you had a pace-maker, you might want to by-pass this voice alarm feature. It was once rumored that he out-roared a lion in a National Geographic roar-off. I believe for the right price, he will come to your home personally and continuously yelled either “WOO-HAH!! WOO-HAH!! GOT YOU ALL IN CHECK” or “RRAAGH RRAAGH LIKE A DUNGEON DRAGON” until you get your lazy behind up to start your day.
The 2nd alarm voice is a legend and has a voice akin to a bull in a china store…..EDDIE LEVERT of The O’Jays! The best use for his voice is for the person who gets out of bed struggling, in a daze, sleepwalks to the shower, pull back the curtain and then your hear…”SAID WE CRIED..CRIED..CRIED..CRIED..WE CRIED TOGETHER”…as he stands in your shower naked with a shower cap on using your loofah with a mango-apricot foam. If the sound doesn’t scare the ish out of you, the visual surely will.
The honor for the 3rd alarm system is in the form of a 3 headed bobble head doll in a b-boy stance…them boys who know how to SLAM…..that’s right….the rap group ONYX. The next time your lazy teen won’t get up for school, just postion this raspy-voice bobble head in the room (on the night stand or hell, even the bed) after they fall asleep. When the wake-up time is reached, trust me….you’ll know it when your kid literally tries to jump through the wall when they hear “SLAM….LET THE BOYZ BE BOYZ! Another feature with this alarm system is that all three face are capable of moving in the same exact facial fashion as the group. The way that Sticky Fingaz snarls still scares me some 20 years later.
The 4th voice would require some reconstructive design to your house, specifically your ceiling. There could be a drop-down pole with paisley lights and purple beams flashing as his Purple Badness starts yelling the opening howl from “GETT OFF!” Hey, Prince is my favorite musician, but he can be a screamer.
Last but not least, you could use my personal experience of having your mom bust in the room clapping, in a gospel manner and singing “Rise and Shine…give God the glory, glory” while simultaneously snatching blankets. Trust me…it works.
In actuality, these ideas might not be feasible or realistic, but the concept is one to build on with voice-integrated technology that we have today. Honorable mention for future integrated alarm systems are James Brown, Patti LaBelle, any heavy metal artist from the 80’s, Mi’chelle’s speaking voice,by